I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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