Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
