I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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