Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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