dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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