You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
