I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
