Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
