I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
