dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
