I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
