You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
