I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
