you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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