I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
