Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
