i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
