I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
