I accidentally burped into my bong.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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