Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
