He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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