hotel room ftw
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
