That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
