also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
