I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
