i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
