guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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