just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
