it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
