True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
