Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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