the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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