Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
