I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
