Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
