The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Pooping to opera.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
