I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
