I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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