i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
