i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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