She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think people are normalizing furries
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
