If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
