Apparently you make a good broom.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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