know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
