I cannot find my penis.
there's paper in my vomit.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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