It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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