Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
