hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
