I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
