Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
