I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
